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Do your kids refer to you by name?

23/8/2022

Translation: Katherine Martin

What children call their parents differs from family to family. What you don’t hear quite so often is children calling their parents by their first names. At least for me, that takes some getting used to.

To my children, I’m still «daddy». But for how much longer? I’ve noticed that an increasing number of my friends with teenagers let their kids call them by their first name. Let’s just say, I think that takes some getting used to. If it were up to me, my two kids could call me «daddy» for the rest of their lives, instead of addressing me by my somewhat unoriginal first name. To this day, I call my own parents «mum» and «dad», too. After all, even though I’m an adult, that’s who they’ll always be to me.

A glance at the studies and surveys on this says I’m not alone. Only very few children address their parents by their first names; something which, according to the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul, who died three years ago, is a good thing. He was unequivocal in saying that, «A child who calls his parents by their first names is, strictly speaking, a child who has no parents.»

He wasn’t messing about. There’s one area, however, where Juul and I do agree: I’m not, and never will be, my kids’ buddy. And since words are more than just words – in fact, they express relationships – «mum» and «dad» simply sound more natural to me.

I’m not saying it needs to go as far as it did over a hundred years ago, when children referred to their parents as «sir» or «ma’am». Mind you, even today, there are well-known figures who expect exactly that from their kids. Take former Bayern Munich coach, Louis van Gaal, for example. The Dutchman hit the headlines when he revealed in an interview that his daughters call him «sir». This was less about van Gaal trying to create a sense of distance, and more about showing respect.

After all, the fact is, the parent-child relationship is an asymmetrical one. Even if, as a father, I always do my best to maintain a sense of equality within it. This asymmetry reveals itself in language. It’s no coincidence, after all, that people (including me) call their kids by their first names, and not «daughter» or «son».

Of course, when I’m talking about myself, the term «daddy» doesn’t get a look-in. To me, people who refer to themselves in the third person are an abomination as it is. It’s a linguistic atrocity only to be topped by saying: «Daddy said there’s to be no sweets after you’ve brushed your teeth.» But that’s another kettle of fish.

At the end of the day, my kids can call me whatever they like. Obviously, my relationship with them will look increasingly like a friendship, the older they get. That being said, I’d be happy if my daughter, once she hits the age of 16, calls me from a night out and says: «Dad, can you pick me up? The last bus has just left.»

I’m curious about your experiences around this topic. What do you prefer your kids to call you? I look forward to find out what you think.

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Martin Rupf

Senior Editor

martin.rupf@digitecgalaxus.ch

Half-Danish dad of two and third child of the family, mushroom picker, angler, dedicated public viewer and world champion of putting my foot in it.

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