Fetishes

Imagine a friend confides in you that he has a wool sweater fetish. How would you feel? Uncomfortable, at a loss for words, irritated? You wouldn’t be the only one. «The whole fetish topic scares people. That's because it's kind of an extreme form of sexuality that many can't relate to,» says sex therapist Dania Schiftan. And yet, according to her, the topic is far less exciting than pop culture would have you believe. Still, the stigma persists.

Preference or fetish: what's the difference?

In order to understand why fetishes are perceived as «extreme», we first need to address the question, «What is a fetish in the first place?» «Put simply, it's a person's fixation on an object or scenario that triggers excitement and arousal in them.» Unlike a preference, a fetish is defined by its exclusivity. This means that a fetishist can only be aroused by the inclusion of a specific scenario or object. «A fetish severely restricts those affected because they can't feel arousal outside of their fetish,» says the expert. A preference, on the other hand, allows for leeway. «For example, if you have a preference for nice underwear, you can also simply fantasise about it or leave it out altogether. It doesn’t hinder arousal.»

Experience... to arousal

But how does a fixation like this come about in the first place? According to Schiftan, a fetish can develop at any age. «But in most cases, the origins of a fetish can be traced back to a person's younger years. It depends on how developed the person is and at what age they discover their sexuality. That can happen between seven and thirteen years of age, for example.»

Schiftan gives the following example: a boy sneaks into his mother's underwear drawer, even though he knows he’s not allowed to. But that doesn’t stop him. He puts on a pair of her undies. He feels excitement while doing this – and as explained in a previous post, excitement and arousal aren’t so far apart. The boy keeps repeating this action because he notices it makes him feel good. And like this, he beings to associate his own arousal with the underwear. If this is repeated often, it may happen that said person can only become aroused when underwear is involved.

«Over the years, this fetish can become more and more specialised. It might be any kind of underwear in the beginning, and then turn into only lacy panties made of silk.» According to Shiftan, it’s also possible for fetishistic tendencies to emerge in youth but become less important as the person learns and experiences new things.

What one person is attracted to may seem strange or outlandish to others. «Hence people's fear and lack of understanding. What I also observe often is a tendency towards so-called sensation seeking when it comes to fetishes. The more outrageous a fetish, the more attention it gets from society.» It can often be very ordinary, everyday things that become the object of a fetish.

Who becomes a fetishist?

«In my experience, anyone can develop a fetish. So, fetishes don't require a specific psychological constitution,» Schiftan says. Gender, on the other hand, can play a role. «Fetishes are more of a men’s issue because men are more responsive to visual stimuli compared to women. That is, they become aroused by what they see. On the other hand, I observe mood fetishes more often in women.» According to the expert, this can be a romantic fetish, for example. This means that a certain atmosphere is necessary for arousal. This can include candles, certain smells or music.

A matter of negotiation: fetishes in relationships

A lack of understanding for a fetish, especially in a relationship, is a challenge that Schiftan encounters from time to time in her practice. She helps couples learn how to deal with a fetish. «If only one partner has a fetish, a common denominator can be worked out. This means that, on the one hand, the person with the fetish is encouraged to learn to expand their own sexuality, so they can be aroused by other things as well; all the way up to a sexuality that includes the partner and doesn’t just presuppose an object or a scenario. On the other hand, the non-fetishist partner is motivated to go along with the fetish to some degree.»

Here’s an example: Sebastian has a diaper fetish. Sarah, Sebastian’s partner, tells him he can place the diaper beside them on the bed, so he can look at it and touch it during sex. However, Sarah doesn’t want Sebastian to put on the diaper. That’s her hard limit. «It’s all a matter of negotiating within the bounds of what's okay for both people in the relationship. There’s no right or wrong. The only important thing is to work out what’s a go and what’s a no-go together – what’s doable and what isn’t; what you want and what you don’t want.» Communication is key.

«Most of the time, the partner will first try to hide their fetish,» Schiftan says. Here’s an example: Ben has a fetish for women who wear very high heels. That’s why he’s always gifting his wife, Lisa, high heels. Lisa interprets the gifts as attention and feels desired, until at some point she suspects that Ben is not concerned with her at all, but with the shoes themselves. Now, at the very latest, there’s a need for clarification. «In a case like this, it would have been beneficial if the couple had spoken openly about the issue from the beginning.»

On the «everyday suitability» of a fetish

It’s also difficult if the fetish object is so commonplace that the person encounters it in daily life. «This can prevent people with a fetish from going out and doing things, and can feed into the burdensome fear of others getting the wrong idea about them.» For example, someone who has a fetish for inflatable animal floaties and likes to watch them in the outdoor pool might be afraid that the people around him will think he’s watching the children. Meanwhile, it’s only about the object in and of itself.

So, you could say the following question arises involuntarily: can a fetish become dangerous for those affected or for outsiders? «As long as the fetish is legal and can’t endanger you or others, there's a safe framework for it,» Schiftan explains. Depending on the fetish, it makes perfect sense to take a closer look with a professional. «People get labelled as perverts easily enough. But the thing is that something like a diaper fetish usually arises from the fact that people associate it with nice feelings – being taken care of, security, safety. The diaper then acts as a symbol for these feelings.»

However, Schiftan also emphasises that this is precisely where the difficulty lies for therapists in her field. Namely, looking closely and finding out with the patients what their fetish is really about. «We therapists need to be able to understand what's going on inside our patient’s mind, so we can identify any potential dangers early on.»

Alone together

The fear of not being understood or, even worse, being misunderstood leads to fetishists easily feeling lonely. «Many people have the experience that it’s simply not something that’s talked about, even among friends. The Internet helps lessen that blow a bit. That's where people with similar or identical fetishes connect and exchange ideas.» According to Schiftan, this gives them a sense of security and a familiarity they otherwise rarely feel. At the same time, they can properly experience who they are and feel validated. «The downside of that is it makes it even harder to get out of that bubble.» That is, you stay on this particular topic and support each other so much within the community that a fetish becomes even more concrete and even more specific over time. But as long as no one suffers in the process, that's perfectly fine, according to Schiftan. «I wish that we as a society would take more interest in people's sexuality and not clutch our pearls when we hear something unfamiliar in the process. If we show genuine interest, no one has to feel alone.»

This is the fourth article in a series on sexuality with Dania Schiftan. If you have any questions or points you want us to cover in the coming articles, let me know by e-mail (natalie.hemenguel@digitecgalaxus.ch) or in the comments below.

For the last 13 years, Dania Schiftan has been working as a sexologist and psychotherapist from her own practice in Zurich. You can find out more about Dania and her job in this interview:

You can find all the other articles in this series here: