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It went really well, darling! Celebrate the good times and the small victories

16/11/2023

Translation: machine translated

"For better or for worse" is a nice saying. Yet in many relationships, only half of this promise is kept. Of course you support your partner through thick and thin, but do you also share the good times and the good news in your relationship? You might want to think about it.

Licenciement, illness, the death of a child ... They'd been through so much together. Which is why I would have bet anything that my friend Marlène and her husband would grow old together. But their relationship has no future. They're about to separate. Now that they've got through all the difficult times together and could enjoy their relationship, they find that they've somehow forgotten how to be happy together.

Sowing mutual support, reaping separation

As unimaginable as their break-up is to me, it's not an isolated case, as Shelly Gable, a lecturer in the Department of Psychological Sciences and Neuroscience at the University of California, knows. She and her research team run the Emotion, Motivation, Behavior and Relationships Lab (EMBeR), which studies, among other things, what makes partners happy or not.

The psychologist always hears the same story from the participants: they supported each other, faced problems and overcame challenges together, but by the time harvest time could have come, the love had dried up. Because, like Marlène and Stefan, "they always helped each other, so there was no longer a free hand to pat each other on the shoulder during good times, or to celebrate great occasions."

Beautiful sharing for a better life

Yet it's these beautiful occasions that are so important to celebrate. That's not all: it's a strategy for success in relationships that the expert calls capitalisation. Certainly, supporting each other through difficult times and solving problems together is part of a strong relationship story, Shelly Gable also points out. "But it's not enough to create a lasting relationship."

In her studies, Shelly Gable has discovered that it's important in a relationship to share good news and positive things on a daily basis, to celebrate small successes and enjoy those happy hours. It is only then that beautiful memories are generated and, through that, the feeling of being good together that forms the basis of love and a stable, trusting, intimate relationship.

Multiplying moments of happiness

"Capitalisation is not an ostrich policy," notes the expert. "But many couples tend to focus too much on the obstacles and forget to celebrate life's good moments. "Their motto is: let's solve the problems first, then things will get better for everyone," continues Shelly Gable.

But that's precisely a red herring. "If your loved one is going badly, at best you can bring him or her back to a neutral, not too stressed state of mind. If you take an active part in the good times, you increase the chances of being happy together. If, on the other hand, you let them go by in favour of ruminating, then it's as if you're ruining them for him or her. And no one can stand that in the long term."

Why you focus on the negative

In practice, increasing happiness tenfold isn't always easy. "Some literature on the subject suggests that of the 60,000 to 80,000 daily thoughts, an average of 24 per cent are negative and only three per cent positive," says Shelly Gable. "This would mean that the average person has eight times as many negative thoughts as positive ones. What's more, the research assumes that the number of negative thoughts increases sharply under stress, up to 70 per cent."

The 70 per cent mark is often quickly reached. Because, even if there are a few positive events in a day, people often focus on mistakes, bad words, embarrassments, annoyances. Sometimes, all it takes is for the bus to arrive late for someone's day to be ruined. And that of their chosen one too, because he or she is immediately informed of the situation by text message.

Why do we pay more attention to the negative aspects than the positive? It's the remnants of our ancestors. "The brain is programmed to spot dangers and risks more than positive elements," explains the psychologist. Added to this is the fact that the positive aspects are often overlooked in our perception of everyday life. "As it goes without saying that we can walk, we therefore no longer take it into account as a good thing, but we clearly register negative changes like a leg in plaster. "This is how the countless positive aspects of life are relegated to the background of a few bad experiences.

Here's how to celebrate the positive moments

Good news: despite the legacy of the Stone Age and the distortions of everyday life, you can apply the technique of capitalisation. All you need to do is pay a little attention to beauty and follow these tips from Shelly Gable:

Learn to communicate better

Start with an active evening chat, perhaps even a little formal, setting a 'positive chat' time about the beautiful things that have happened to you. Invite your partner to join you and celebrate these small events. If you don't get enough feedback from your loved one, calmly explain that you feel hurt and that it's important to you that these moments of joy are shared with you.

Curiosity is welcome

"However, capitalisation is not a one-way street. You also have to share in each other's good moments and extend them," says Shelly Gable. Whether it's small successes at work, progress in sport or the joy of a successful leisure project, ask the person you're talking to questions about how he or she got there. "This allows you to savour happiness once again and become aware of your own strengths without feeling conceited," explains the specialist. What's more, not only do your questions show interest in what's important to him or her at a given moment, but they also encourage them to involve you ink more in their life in the future.

Be enthusiastic

You don't need to don a cheerleading uniform, just encourage your sweetie. Not just when support is needed because things aren't going well, but also in the moments when small victories have already been won. Have you lost weight and are you back in your suit or dress? So why not get ready for a concert? Finished a project? Break out the champagne! "Shelly Gable advises: "Make time for your loved one when they come home with good news, and savour their joy. "And, for pity's sake, avoid thoughts like "I'd like to see how long you're going to keep the weight off this time" or "Is there a new project that's already making money?even though they may seem legitimate. Tearing down someone's success does them no favours."

Be understanding

Show that you understand how important the great experience he or she is sharing with you is to him or her. Because when the "rightness" of our good feeling is confirmed, we can savour it even more. "Be sure that you know exactly how much your partner cares about their success. It shows how much you know about their desires and brings you closer together," says Shelly Gable. The joy of seeing a rare postage stamp finally discovered may be hard to understand. Still, make the effort to respect your partner's interests, and they'll be only too grateful.

Be attentive

Of course, you're not as enthusiastic as your other half about their favourite team's victory or their cat's new achievement. But you can still make a toast. Just make sure you don't give the non-verbal message that you're more interested in the drink than the event in question. A deep look in the eyes and a smile, plus open body language indicate that you're interested in its themes and therefore in your partner.

Stop comparing yourself

"It can be difficult to simply rejoice with the other person and not immediately compare their successes with theirs or talk about your own experiences with the theme," shares Shelly Gable. But it's important to leave that aside. Because comparisons don't make either of us happy.

Be open

Ask your sweetie how they'd like to celebrate. This is also important for feeling considered and understood. The more your partner sees your positive reactions, the more good news will be shared in the future. "Sometimes the good news gets lost in the stresses of everyday life, so put the celebration off until later. So postpone the party to make up for lost time. "Involving friends and family can also strengthen the relationship with those around you."

Strengthening the relationship during the good times

Make the good times even stronger: if you feel that the person you're recounting happy times to is receptive and engaged, you feel happier and the bonds become stronger. Affection, gratitude and devotion grow. The reasons: "A sincere joy shared strengthens confidence in the person to whom we open up and reinforces the desire to be considerate and helpful towards that person. And if we know that a loved one is capable of rejoicing with us, we will also be more inclined to see them as a source of comfort in times of stress", Shelly Gable points out.

Various studies conducted by other researchers, such as this one, have also shown that the technique of capitalisation would make relationships stronger and more solid in many ways. What's more, celebrating the good times not only makes you happier, it also helps you live a healthier, longer life.

Header photo: shutterstock

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Daniela Schuster

Autorin von customize mediahouse

oliver.fischer@digitecgalaxus.ch

If my job didn't exist, I'd definitely invent it. Writing allows you to lead several lives in parallel. On one day, I'm in the lab with a scientist; on another, I'm going on a South Pole expedition with a researcher. Every day I discover more of the world, learn new things and meet exciting people. But don't be jealous: the same applies to reading!

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