Shape your personality: it’s never too late to change

Mirror, mirror on the wall… I’d like to be successful, confident and charming. Is it as simple as that?

Well, personality development isn’t as quick and easy as it is in a fairytale. But if you find yourself wishing you were different from time to time, the good news is that nothing is set in stone when it comes to your personality. You can work on it for the rest of your life. You can be confident, outgoing and optimistic and become who you want to be.

The catch? You can’t just use a magic spell. But you can ask experts for advice. Read on to find out from psychologist Christine Hoffman (website in German) what defines our personality and how you can become the person you’ve always wanted to be.

Our personality and what defines it

Christine Hoffmann says: «There is a personality core that continues to develop over the course of a person’s life.» Personality psychology is primarily concerned with which parts of this personality core are inherited and which are learned.

It’s also where the «Big Five model» comes from, which proposes that the human personality basically consists of five characteristics that can be pronounced to varying degrees. The traits are: openness to new experiences (open-mindedness, creativity), conscientiousness (perfectionism), extraversion (sociability), agreeableness (consideration, empathy) and neuroticism (emotional lability and vulnerability).

Generally speaking, research results, including in the scientific journal Molecular Psychiatry, suggest that between 30 and 60 per cent of our personality is inherited – i.e. genetically predetermined. The rest is social conditioning.

So, not all characteristics of the «Big Five» are written into our DNA. A study in the journal Translational Psychiatry was able to show that, according to the researchers, the main inherited factors are neuroticism and openness to new experiences.

That means that whether we’re creative and open or prone to mood swings is in our genes. Whether we’re extroverted or introverted, on the other hand, is primarily down to social conditioning.

Who am I really? What shapes personality

Because much of your behaviour is socially learned, you may be asking yourself: «Who am I anyway?» Or, as Hoffmann puts it: «Am I who I am? Or am I who I was made to be?»

First up, let’s be clear: you’re constantly changing and you’re probably having to ask yourself this question more and more often in life. Personal development isn’t an isolated event, but a lifelong process. «Our personality is constantly changing,» says expert Hoffmann. «The notion that it’s set in stone is outdated. Our personality is actually more like modelling clay that changes into different shapes.»

So, you, your colleagues or the sales assistant at the supermarket checkout slip into different social roles every day, falling back on different facets of their personality each time. «You will behave differently at dinner with your in-laws than when you go for a walk through the woods,» summarises the psychologist. However, there are ways to discover your true core beneath all the social etiquette. Because what shapes our personality is experience. And what shapes our self-image are the things we do on a regular basis.

Hoffman advises observing yourself in these behaviours. You’ll recognise things that you do regularly and through which you define your personality. «I describe myself as sporty when I do sport regularly. Things we do regularly are evidence of who we are.»

Who am I not (anymore)? Out-of-date self-image

But you often hold yourself back from being yourself. Psychologist Hoffmann regularly finds out in her work with people that «we have a lot of prejudices against ourselves». «If I believe I’m impatient, I’ll often behave impatiently as a result.» These beliefs are also mostly outdated and no longer apply: «We associate our self-image with the past and believe that we are (or have to be) the way we were in the past.»

The reason for this is that experiences are associated with big emotions because they shape us particularly strongly. «If my parents described me as a child or teenager in derogatory terms, saying that I’m stupid or clumsy, that will shape me for the rest of my life.» These descriptions of our personality are very painful and the corresponding connections in our brain are therefore particularly strong, says Hoffmann.

Who do you want to be? How we can work on our personality

A solution to such harmful beliefs, such as «I’m stupid», often lies in the formulation of alternative beliefs or, more simply, in a reality check. «I then ask my patients whether there have been experiences in which they have clearly demonstrated intelligence,» says the expert. In the next step, you should ask yourself: «If I were no longer convinced that I was stupid, what would then be possible?» «This is how we highlight the exception to the dogma and create a picture of the desired future.»

Confronting negative beliefs about yourself and your personality is extremely important. Because the fact is: there are personality traits that are more likely to lead to a fulfilling life than others. A twin study in the science journal Nature was able to identify one quality in particular that significantly increases our well-being: optimism.

The authors explain: «How satisfied we are with our life depends on the attitude we have towards it. […] A person who sees life on the positive side is more likely to remember positive life experiences and have a more positive overall assessment of life.»

Patience and confidence: personality changes take time

And how do you become an optimistic person? Patience is required, along with an understanding approach to yourself – no matter how you want to develop. It’s difficult to generalise how long you have to do something regularly until the course of your brain pathways are switched accordingly. However, consistency and patience are crucial: «There is a rule according to which personality changes become automatic after 30 days,» says Hoffmann. «But that depends hugely on how often I show the desired behaviour in my everyday life. If you want to be more sociable and only meet people twice a month, it will take you much longer.»

Patience is one thing, understanding your own process is another. After all, with all your efforts, you won’t implement desired personality attributes overnight. For example, if you want to be more optimistic and still occasionally get caught up in negative thought spirals, you need understanding for yourself instead of frustration, advises the psychologist. «Sometimes it’s more about permission than resistance. When we resist, we often hold on to things.» Perceiving negative feelings and letting them pass is the key. In addition, you can consciously focus on the positive things in your everyday life. Which three things were nice today, or which people support you to look confidently into the future?

Christine Hoffmann is confident about one thing: it’s never too late to work on our personality. Elements of personality that we have inherited or that have been with us for a very long time can also be worked on with sufficient patience and understanding for our own ups and downs. «If we do what we like to do and are consistent in doing so, we can change our personality in all directions throughout our lives.»

/ Header image: Stefan Spasov via unsplash